Chiefs At War
by In A Tizzy
Summary: There was a patient death. Who's responsible? Marfan's story explored from both Chen and Weaver's POV sheds a different light from the aired version. Chen/Weaver/Romano/Carter/Greene
1. Who's Invited to this Meeting Anyway?

In the Season 8 episode Never Say Never, Chief Resident Dr. Jing Mei Chen and Chief of Emergency Medicine Dr. Kerry Weaver, battled out just who was responsible for the death of a Marfan's patient. We witnessed the battle from an outsider's perspective when the show aired, but here it's retold from both Dr. Chen and Dr. Weaver's point of view. The story is woven through the original script. The lines actually spoken by the characters in the aired version are in bold italics. Everything else is entirely fabricated by me. This is an experiment and I'm not really sure how well this will work, so comments and reviews are really appreciated. Thanks!

**Who's Invited to This Meeting Anyway?**

**Jing Mei's POV**

My mind is racing over this meeting today. I've never made a mistake this serious before. No one's ever died because I didn't make the right decision until the Marfan's patient. I remember back when Dr. Greene was chief resident, he missed preeclampsia in a pregnant women and she died on the table shortly after giving birth. I remember Dr. Coburn tore him a new one and Dr. Swift put him through hell at the M & M. Neither of them is anything close to a Romano. I don't remember that case even going through Risk Management. Dr. Greene is one of the best doctors here. Well respected, well liked. If they'd do that to him, what are they going to do to me? I bite my lip at the thought.

There's Kerry. She's been supportive of me in the past, maybe she can clue me in about what I'm in for. I catch up with her in the hall. Good morning, Kerry. _**Anything, um, I should know about this meeting?**_I nervously tap my script pad. This whole thing has me rattled.

_**What meeting?**_Kerry asks me.

I tell her, _**With Romano. Risk Management called me so I assuming it's about the Marfan's death.**_

_**Oh**__,_ she says.

I can't tell whether or not she seems surprised. I need to know how much trouble I'm in, so I ask, _**Has there been a wrongful death suit filed?**_

She tells me, _**In-house review is standard procedure in this kind of circumstance**_.

She seems sincere, honest, but it doesn't do anything to allay my fears. I need to know what's going to happen, who's all going to be there. I've got to be prepared going in, so I ask, _**It's not an M & M, these are lawyers right?**_

She tries to reassure me. _**Their job is to protect you and the hospital.**_

I know that's part of the reason they do these things, but there's more to it. I need some assurance I'm not going to be hung out to dry. _**And assess exposure**_, I add_._ That is what I'm concerned about. I don't want to be sued for malpractice, especially so soon after becoming an attending.

_**It's normal.**_

But it's not normal for me to be in this situation. This was my call, my responsibility. I'm nervous here. I need some insurance my ass isn't going out the door too. **I know **_**Dave was fired. I just thought maybe…**_

She tells me, in an unemotional manner, _**Dr. Maluchi's termination wasn't reflective of anything, there were other concerns, other issues involved.**_

I nod my head. I'm well aware that she and Dave didn't get along. She was looking for a reason to get rid of him. But with him gone, I'm the one holding the bag, and while she does favor me some, how much can I really count on her to look out for me? I'm afraid and nervous about what's going to happen. I need her to level with me, so I can go into that meeting prepared, know what I'm facing. So I ask, _**Am I in trouble here Kerry?**_

Let's just take this one step at a time, she tells me before walking off. I stop and just watch her on that crutch as she makes her way down the hall. I don't feel any better about the meeting this afternoon. I still don't know what to expect. How can I possibly be prepared? One step at a time, hmmmf!

I walk toward the admit desk telling myself, okay, stay calm, pick up a chart, take care of the next patient, but I look up and see an escorted gurney coming through the doors. I rush up and ask the paramedic "whatcha got?"

**Kerry Weaver's POV**

I'm irritated that I had to hear about the meeting today from Jing Mei. It's my department for God's sake. My ER. Why the hell didn't anyone tell me? I've got to find Romano.

_**Hey Kerry, why are you hanging around the men's room now, changing teams again?**_

Robert Romano, smart ass as usual. _**You're scheduling meetings with my residents without consulting me?**_

He asks me, _**Sorry, did you not get the memo?**_

_**What memo?**_There was a memo? How did I not get it? Someone's head is gonna roll!

_**The one that says I run the place.**_

Does he ever stop being a smart ass? _**Yeah, Dr. Chen is my responsibility. I expect to be notified if she is to be questioned by Risk Management.**_

_**Fair enough. Consider yourself notified.**_

That's more like it! Now I can make sure I get into this meeting, _**Good, I want to be there**__._

_**No you don't. I don't even want to be there.**_

I sure as hell do want to be there! I need to protect my department, protect Jing Mei, protect my own ass if need be. _**As chief of the department, I think my presence is appropriate.**_

He tells me, _**I try not to interfere with Risk Management investigations.**_

He's walking quite fast. He doesn't want to have this conversation. If I'm insistent enough, he'll cave._**So now it's an investigation?**_

_**Information gathering, Kerry, whatever you want to call it. They have a few questions.**_

I can't control the situation if I'm not there! Tell him whatever you have to, embellish the truth, lie if you must, just get yourself in that meeting! _**Dr. Chen approached me, she was scared. She wants me to come with her.**_

_**She's a big girl.**_ He responds with the obvious.

Press the issue. You've got to assert control. You've got to protect Jing Mei, you've got to protect the department, you've got to protect yourself. _**She talked about lawyers. You want it to escalate to that or do you want me to come?**_

_**Does she have something to hide?**_

No, but she's still a new attending. She's young. She hasn't had to deal with this kind of crap before. I need to be there for her. I need to make sure nothing happens to my ER. _**No, the truth is bad enough. I think we should be trying to protect her.**_

_**You sure you just don't have a little thing for her?**_

_**Oh Robert.**_I say that, but you know, she is one beautiful woman. Feisty, determined, driven, a bit like me. I look at her sometimes and…maybe I do, a little. Hmmm.

_**Okay fine. 3 o'clock. Seventh floor conference room.**_

Great, I can look out for Jing Mei as well as monitor and control any information I need to. I can limit and contain any damage to my department and/or myself. This is acceptable.

I've got to talk to Mark about the LOL in 3, call Elizabeth about that rule out appy, oh and Abby about the labs on exam 1…


	2. I'm Going With You

**I'm Going With You**

**Jing Mei's POV**

I did my best to stay calm today and not let my nerves get to me. I can hear Ba Ba, "Keep a level head Jing Mei, it will always serve you well". He would know, he's been a doctor for over 30 years. And Mommy, like any surgeon, has nerves of steel. I try to make them proud of me. I try to handle this in the stoic manner they would expect of me. I've tried to stay focused on my patients and not worry about this meeting. I think if I stay calm, I can do this.

But then Kerry walks up and says,_**You ready?**_

Am I ready? _**What?**_

She tells me,_**I'm going with you**__._

Oh no! If she's coming, there's a reason for it. Heads up, this can't be good. Try to maintain calm demeanor. _**Why? What's wrong?**_

_**Nothing, Dr. Romano assures me it's routine. **_

Uh huh. She didn't know anything about the meeting this morning, how routine can it be if she's a last minute addition? This doesn't bode well. I just know it. Stay calm, stay focused. _**Oh, then why you going?**_

_**To represent the department apparently.**_

_**Oh God.**_I am so screwed! Okay calm, see you later.

_**Jing Mei, No one's out to get anyone. You do this job long enough, you make a serious mistake. It's true for everyone.**_She's touching my arm. If this isn't serious, and it happens to everyone, why she doing that? I am so screwed!

_**That's encouraging**_not. Why do I keep coming to her with these things?

We walk up to the meeting in silence. I wonder why all of a sudden, Kerry's going to this meeting. To represent the department? C'mon. This was between Dave, the patient and me. It's hospital policy that I had to sign off on the thrombolytics, not department policy. Is she going to protect me? Am I in that much trouble already? Or does she think that maybe she needs to protect herself? If she needs to protect herself, I am so screwed. Oh God, I'm screwed either way! Stay calm, stay calm. Level head remember. You can do this. Just answer the questions honestly and with a level head. Breathe Jing Mei, remember to breathe.

**Kerry Weaver's POV**

It's nearly 3 o'clock. Time for the Risk Management meeting. Got to find Jing Mei.

Oh, I see her. I ask, _**You ready?**_

_**What?**_

I tell her _**I'm going with you.**_

_**Why? What's wrong?**_

_**Nothing, Dr. Romano assures me it's routine.**_ Okay, he did mean it was so routine that I didn't need, or shouldn't want to be there, but why split hairs?

_**Oh, then why you going?**_

**To represent the department apparently. **Really no point in my telling her I finagled my way into the meeting. Besides, I'm going to protect her, she's part of my department, she's my chief resident, she's my responsibility, I'm going to look out for her best interest. I'll fight for her just like I did to get her the chief residency in the first place. She's going to learn from this experience. She's got the makings to follow in my footsteps. She just needs a little mentoring and she's gonna get some today. I wonder if she knows that despite the situation, I'm proud of her.

_**Oh God.**_

_**Jing Mei, No one's out to get anyone. You do this job long enough, you make a serious mistake. It's true for everyone.**_I try to be comforting. I want to communicate that I'm on her side. In the past, she's never been too afraid or too proud to come to me or confide in me when she needed help. She's one of the few people that actually seeks my help. I like that in her. I want her to keep trusting me like that. I reach out and touch her arm. I want her to know that I care about her, I'm here to support her, that I'm sincere in wanting to protect her.

_**That's encouraging **_

I guess I didn't communicate that well, she doesn't sound encouraged. I don't know how to assure her I have her best interest in mind. This silence is really awkward. I'm sure it's making her uncomfortable. I'd like to have something positive to say, something that would help. If I could just make her understand, I'm here to help. This silence has got to be uncomfortable for her. I wonder if the beeper will come up? Nah. Silence is definitely awkward. But what if the beeper issue does come up? I didn't get the page because I left the beeper in the bathroom at Doc Magoo's. It was a couple of hours before I even realized I didn't have it. Won't come up. If it does come up, deny, deny, deny. This silence is really awkward.


	3. The Meeting, Jing Mei's POV

**The Meeting**

**Jing Mei's POV**

Apprehensively, I sit down in this meeting and Weaver sits down next to me. She's trying to show solidarity, I guess. I hope. Dr. Romano introduces me to Gordon Price from Risk Management. He wastes no time with pleasantries. Just gets right down to business. I'm very apprehensive. Just got to remember, stay calm, keep a level head, tell the truth. Hope for the best.

Romano puts the X-Ray up as Gordon asks_, __**Do you feel you would have recognized the widened mediastinum?**_

I tell him,_**Yes, I think so.**_

_**Well how confident of that are you?**_

I'm nervous and having trouble staying calm. I drum my fingers on the table. Can I tell 7 centimeters as opposed to 8? Maybe not, but I can see it's widened, and if I need to measure it next time to be sure, I'll definitely do so, so I tell him, _**I don't know, confident **_

_**Standard of care is to take a chest x-ray to rule out dissection before ordering thrombolytics, correct?**_

Yes_**that's right.**_

_**So why take one if you're not going to look at it?**_

I'm about to answer, to explain that Dave did look at the X-Ray, checking it for hemothorax. I made the mistake of not double checking him, I didn't look at the X-Ray myself for signs of dissection. I just assumed when I asked about the X-Ray that he knew to check the mediastinum. Before I open my

mouth though, I hear Kerry tell him,_**Dr. Chen has already admitted to a critical error. There's no need to belabor the point. **__I appreciate that. Thanks Kerry._

_**We just trying to understand what happened.**_

On second thought, I phrase it a little more concisely,_**The treating resident told me the X-Ray was clear. He thought I meant hemothorax, I thought he meant signs of dissection. **_Sounds better, right?

_**Uh, Dr. Malucci? **_

_**He's been terminated since the incident**_ Dr. Romano diplomatically tells Mr. Price here that Weaver canned his ass.

Gordon says,_**That helps I suppose.**_I hope it helps a lot. Being fired is not an option for me. My parents would kill me. Okay, my nerves are getting the better of me now, I want to drum my fingers on the table. It's a nervous little habit and I hate it. Stay calm, level head remember? I lightly run my fingers over the table in sort of a half drum move. It's confining. It doesn't let out my nervous energy like really drumming my fingers. I feel my tension rising. 

Kerry tells them, _**In essence, the mistake was a result of a miscommunication during a time sensitive critical care situation.**_She's helping me out, or is she? I glance over at her. Look at her! What if she's doing some preliminary damage control for herself? I could be in a serious amount of trouble in just a minute. There go my nerves again. I abandon the attempt to control my fingers and let them drum the table.

_**Except for the chain of command issue.**_

Did I hear that right? I stop drumming my fingers and ask,_**What issue?**_

He clarifies,_**How did you get involved in this case?**_

I tell him, _**Chief residents or attending are called on to sign off on any use of thrombolytics.**_

_**Chief residents who are attending.**_

_**I am an attending.**_I'm stern on this point. I worked hard to earn the title and I'm not interested in losing it.

He pushes paperwork at me and says, _**You are now, but at the time, you were officially five days from completing your residency.**_

Oh this again. My frustration and nerves show as I slap the piece of paper and drag it toward me. I glance at, but know what it says. I explain to him that_**My appointment started July 1**__**st.**__** I was still making up days from my maternity leave.**_

Kerry helps me clarify. I nod my head in agreement as she tells Gordon,_**Dr. Chen was given the authority of an attending while a chief resident.**_

He points out:_**Prematurely. If she wasn't board eligible, she wasn't officially authorized to make this decision.**_

_**I thought I was. **_Ooh, if I wasn't eligible to even make this decision, I am seriously in trouble. Oh God!

Gordon asks me,_**Who was your attending?**_

_**What? **_I'm confused. Where's he going with this?

He repeats,_**Who was your attending that night?**_

I look at Kerry, I really want her approval before I answer that, but she won't look at me, I can't make eye contact with her. Damn, I don't want to piss her off her. Just answer the question, be calm, level headed and honest. I tell him,_**Dr. Weaver.**_

Kerry speaks up,_**We're talking 5 days.**_She's defensive, whoa, heads up!

Gordon asks**,**_** And where was Dr. Weaver? **_She could be in some serious trouble here!

_**Excuse me, I'm sitting right here. You can ask me.**_ She's nervous, she knows. Oh God, she's going to make me pay for this. She's got to go down, or I'm so screwed.

I hear Gordon_, __**You're here as a representative of the department. I'm interviewing Dr. Chen.**_

I've got to get the upper hand. I look over at Kerry with an eye that says "you're going down bitch". I mean, it's her or me right? This is my chance out and I'm taking it. I'm all in on this one, it's my only real chance to get out this mess. I lean forward and clasp my hands in front of me on the table. I want to show them I know this to be true and accurate, that this is incontrovertible fact. _**She was out of the hospital.**_

Kerry starts tap dancing,_**I was right across the street. I was getting a meal with the understanding that Dr. Chen would page me for critical cases.**_ She does the best job of covering her ass of anyone I've ever known. This is going to be a tough fight, but I can't back down. I've got my own ass to cover here. Luckily, I've sat at the foot of the master. Here's some of your own game Kerry.

_**Then did you page her?**_

_**Yes,**_I tell him.

_**Before or after you authorized the use of thrombolytics.**_

I look at Kerry and make eye contact. I can see by the look in her eye, she knows she got paged that night. I look Gordon in the eye,_**Before and After.**_

She denies it though._**I never received a page.**_

She knows it's the truth. I've just got to stand my ground, keep my eyes on Gordon. I tell him emphatically, _**Three times total.**_

She turns to me as says,_**You could have come to get me.**_ This is an illogical assumption since I was in the middle of a serious trauma, and I did send John to find you.

But we're being catty now, and I just want to get under her skin, so I turn back to her and snipe, _**I didn't know where you were.**_

Game on as she tells me,_**Carter knew. He found me in time to stop you from cracking his chest.**_ Maybe she told Carter where she was going before she left, but that word didn't get back to me and I was way too busy that night to keep up with her schedule anyway. I shouldn't have to, that's why we have pagers. If she'd of answered her damn page, we wouldn't be here right now.

_**Dr. Romano this is precisely why I like to interview participants separately**_. Gordon doesn't appear to like the ringside seat at the catfight. Romano should have warned him what he was in for with the two us in this room.

I see Romano nod. I get the feeling Kerry bulldozed her way into this meeting because she knew she was paged, she knew she shared responsibility for this death. She had to make sure she was here to cover her own ass. It was never about me or the department.

_**The fact is this is a systems error. The cafeteria isn't open at 2 in the morning, so you need to leave the building to get a meal.**_ Continued CYA from the master. When all else fails, shift the blame, that's what you do best. I sit back in my chair and shake my head. If this were anyone else, they'd realize they're cornered and just accept the responsibility, but leave it to Weaver to mop up her own mess with someone else's ass.

_**Hmmm, you might consider brown bagging it next time**__, _Gordon tells her. I look over at Kerry, nervous once more. This fight is not over. It doesn't look good for her, which means it looks even worse for me. I think I'm still screwed. Oh God, there's no winning against Weaver. Hmmf, she's so good at this. She always wins. I'm frustrated and nervous enough about what management is going to do, and now I have to prepare for the wrath of Weaver.

I hear Romano say something before calling my name_**... Thank you Dr. Chen**_

I was lost in my own thought and I didn't catch what he said, so I ask_, __**I'm sorry?**_

_**You're excused.**_

I don't mean to, but I slap my hand on the table, letting my nerves show. _**Oh**_ Okay, maybe that was on purpose. As I get up, I see that Kerry gets up too.

Romano tells Weaver_, __**Kerry you stay**__._

I look over at her, she's so cool. She's in as much hot water as I am at this point and while she seems a bit aggravated that she's got to deal with a bump in the road, she doesn't seem to be the least bit nervous about it. That infuriates me! She wields that much control and power. She's going to get out of this smelling fine and I'm going to get thrown out like yesterday's trash. I am not nervous any more. The only way to describe my state of mind at this point is pissed off!

I look at her once more, making eye contact. I want her to see I'm mad, I'm angry. I know I didn't get a fair trial here. I walk out and slam the door behind me, making it perfectly clear I don't like the way things unfolded. As I pass by the conference room window, I stop and notice that she sees me on the other side. She sees my face and knows exactly how pissed off I am right now. Good.

As I walk back to the ER, I layout the possible topic of conversation in that conference room right now. Will Dr. Weaver take the high road, share the responsibility and blame or will she be classic Weaver and protect herself by throwing me under the bus? I get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that it's the latter.

I take a deep breath and exhale slowly several times to cleanse the bad aura around me. I'm going to go back to work, and hopefully, I won't kill anyone else.


	4. The Meeting, Kerry's POV

**The Meeting**

**Kerry Weaver's POV**

I listen to the exchange between Gordon and Jing Mei. Outwardly, she sounds calm, but she keeps drumming her fingers on the table. I know inside, she's nervous, probably apprehensive and unsure. She's scared. It's a little habit of hers that I've picked up on. When she doubts herself, she has to find something to tap or tap on; must be some kind of physical release of bad energy.

I don't tell people when I figure out their little quirks. I just make mental notes of them. It comes in handy for situations like this.

Gordon asks Jing Mei_, __**Standard of care is to take a chest x-ray to rule out dissection before ordering thrombolytics, correct?**_

She responds,_**That's right.**_

_**So why take one if you're not going to look at it?**_

Why do we keep beating this poor dead horse? We sorted through this that night. It was in my report. Did you read the damn thing? I tell him_**Dr. Chen has already admitted to a critical error. There's no need to belabor the point.**_

I hear Jing Mei explain to Gordon_, __**The treating resident told me the X-Ray was clear. He thought I meant hemothorax, I thought he meant signs of dissection.**_

I cross my arms as I think over the scene in the ER that night. It was a busy night, a lot of patients, traumas and general ER chaos. She was flustered and stressed. It happens. Sometimes we have problems communicating clearly under the best of circumstances and clearly we weren't at our best that night. Let's move this along. So I say_**In essence, the mistake was a result of a miscommunication during a time sensitive critical care situation.**_

_**Except for the chain of command issue**__. _Uh oh. This is a concerning line of questioning.

I listen carefully to the exchange between Jing Mei and Gordon…

_**You are now, but at the time, you were officially five days from completing your residency **_Gordon tells Jing Mei_**. **_Uh oh. That is a technicality that can jump up and bite me in the ass, time to do some damage control for me. I knew I needed to be here.

I hear Jing Mei say,_**My appointment started July 1**__**st**__** I was still making up days from my maternity leave.**_

Okay Jing Mei, I want to be here for you, protect you and all, but my ass comes first. Sorry, but I have to make sure responsibility starts and ends with you. You're young, your record can take this, mine can't. I make sure Gordon sees it this way. I tell him _**Dr. Chen was given the authority of an attending while a chief resident.**_

He counters, _**Prematurely, if she wasn't board eligible, she wasn't officially authorized to make this decision.**_

Crap! Did Gordon really just say that? It's just a technicality for God's sake! Five days short! She was just five days short! Any competent doctor would check the damn X-Ray, even a resident. Malucchi was a blithering idiot, incompetent as a doctor. She knows that. Why the hell didn't she look at that X-Ray? Five days. Damn. Is my face tightening up?

_**Who was your attending that night?**_

I lower my head and give Gordon my best "charging bull" look. I cannot be intimidated. _**We're talking 5 days.**_

_**And where was Dr. Weaver?**_

Why is he looking at Chen? This is about me now. _**Excuse me, I'm sitting right here. You can ask me.**_

_**You're here as a representative of the department. I'm interviewing Dr. Chen.**_

Son of a bitch! Shut down, I swallow hard. This is going to be a tougher fight than I anticipated. I feel the tension in my face. Chen looks over at me. She sees it. If she's my girl, she's going to make her move right here.

Chen tells him_, __**She was out of the hospital. **_She's forceful, authoritative. That's my girl! Game on!

My move, I need to be cool, unwavering. Look chummy. Come across friendly._**I was right across the street. I was getting a meal with the understanding that Dr. Chen would page me for critical cases.**_

I listen to her exchange with Gordon. I can't help but admire her tenacity. If she weren't after my own ass right now, I'd be downright cheering her on. As it is though, I must come up with my claws out and swinging.

_**You could have come to get me**__, _I interject.

She shoots back,_**I didn't know where you were.**_

Holding your ground, good girl! You know you're in for a fight, you know how fierce I am. You're hanging in there, good girl! I'm upping you though. _**Carter knew. He found me in time to stop you from cracking his chest.**_Bring it on!

I hear Gordon, _**Dr. Romano this is precisely why I like to interview participants separately.**_

Apparently he doesn't appreciate a good catfight, so I direct my next comment at him. _**The fact is this is a systems error. The cafeteria isn't open at 2 in the morning, so you need to leave the building to get a meal.**_

_**Hmmm,**__ he tells me, __**you might consider brown bagging it next time. **_

I stare the bastard down.

_**I'm done. **_He retreats.

I hear Romano, _**Alright, well, this has been very enlightening. Thank you Dr. Chen.**_

Meeting adjourned, I get up. That's when I hear him say_**Kerry you stay.**_

I feel Jing Mei's eyes on me. They burn. She's still pissed. She slams the door on her way out. But I'm not beaten, and I won't be. I won't go down, and I'll make sure she doesn't either. I turn to look out the window, see her pass by. We make eye contact. God she's beautiful even when she's angry, maybe even more so. I watch her disappear from view. I'll protect her, almost as fiercely as I protect myself. I won't do that for just anyone, but I'll do it for her.


	5. A Conversation with Carter

**A Conversation with Carter**

**Jing Mei's POV**

This day has been draining on me. Emotionally, I'm spent and it's taking a physical toll. It's bad when an ER patient asks you if you're doing okay. I've been trying very hard to keep my emotions in check, my head level, calm and clear, but I guess I'm not having the best of luck with that today.

I no sooner get down to the ER, and there's a trauma coming in. It's five minutes out. John and I wait in the ambulance bay. It gives me a few minutes to talk with him. I notice he seems to be in a bit of pain himself. I ask him "not having a good day today?"

He tells me "I hit my head on the desk."

I could do with a little divergence from my current thought train, so I ask him "how exactly did you do that?"

He goes on to explain "a patient brought in a spider that he thought bit him. It was actually a flea that bit him."

He rubs his temples as he sits on the top part of the bench. Me, I can't sit. I'm too anxious over that Risk Management meeting, so I just pace back and forth. I give him a moment before asking "so who got the better of you, the flea or the spider?"

"Patient let the spider loose is the ER. It ran right over my foot. I followed it under the desk."

I tease him, "So it was the spider that did you in?"

"Actually it was Susan Lewis" he says so matter-of-factly.

"Ha ha" I tell him. She was already gone a couple of years when I came back, and I've been back a couple years now.

"No, she's in town looking for job."

I've heard the stories. I know they were quite adversarial toward one another. "That ought to go over real well with Weaver" I muse aloud.

"Speaking of Weaver, how did you're meeting go?" John asks.

I tell him,_**I thought she was going to protect me. She was going to protect herself.**_

_**What did you expect?**_John asks as he again rubs his temples. He must have really bumped his head on that desk. I feel for him. I know that he still works hard at staying clean. He won't take any kind of pain meds.

_**I don't know,**_I tell him, because I really don't know what I expected. I sit down to think about it. I thought maybe risk management wanted her there because she did finally show up, even though it was after the guy was pretty basically dead, or because she wrote it up in her statistics and management reports. Maybe to shed some light on my work ethic, my performance, or maybe just because she's my boss, but it really _**Just never occurred to me that she had to protect her own ass.**_

The ambulance appears in the bay, siren still sounding. We get up off the bench and head for it as it backs into place. John tries to offer me hope, saying _**Maybe your asses aren't mutually exclusive**__._

I don't buy that. If that were true, one of us would not have been told to go and the other to stay. Weaver's in tight with management, we all know that. So I tell him, _**Yeah well that's why she's still up there and I'm down here.**_

As we walk, we get on our gloves and John tries to calm my fears. He says _**Weaver's political, that's true, but she's smart enough to protect her own. **_

The exterminator interrupts John with questions about that stupid spider. I don't know. I think about how sometimes Kerry seems almost mother like to me, or at least like someone who has a sincere desire to lead and guide me in my career. But then there are other times, I swear, she's the antichrist. My problem is, I can't tell right now if she's on my side or not, because she's got her own backside to protect here. I know how ferocious she can be when it comes to protecting her own best interest.

Through with spider guy, John turns his focus back to me and continues where he left off. He smiles encouragingly as he tells me, _**I mean you are a reflection on her. You were her choice for chief resident. She'll defend you, if only to defend herself. **_He's so sweet. I know he's still a bit jealous of my being chief resident, but he keeps it in check well. He's such a good friend and I'm thankful that I can confide in him with stuff like this.

And maybe he's right. She did go out of her way to award me the chief residency. Management wasn't going to allow it because the position started before I completed my residency requirement. They were worried about a situation exactly like this. She went out on a limb for me, getting management to understand that I shouldn't be penalized for having to take a maternity leave. Now if it comes down to the sole responsibility resting with me, everything she said back then will come back to haunt her.

As John opens the back door of the ambulance, the thought occurs to me that John might be in more pain than I realize. Not only did he bump his head today, but he fell flat on the pavement the night he chased Weaver down at Doc Magoo's. _**How's your back **_I ask him.

He looks at me and tells me _**It hurts like hell**_.

The EMTs get the patient out of the ambulance. He's impaled with a large wooden fence post. It's hard to believe the guy's still alive. Much as I'd like to discuss alternative measures to pain management with John, I must focus on this patient. We rush him into trauma 1. It's time to save a life. God, I hope I don't kill him.


	6. The Weaver Maneuver

**The Weaver Maneuver**

**Kerry Weaver's POV**

So now it's me, Robert and Gordon deciding Jing Mei's fate. I have to save my ass and I can do that, no problem. The trick is going to be to do it without taking Jing Mei down. I hate this. Why, WHY didn't she look at that damn X-Ray? It was such a careless mistake. Carter was right that night when he said the guy dissected into his coronary and probably wouldn't have survived surgery anyway. But if he had died in surgery, it wouldn't have been on my watch. As it is, her mistake is my responsibility. That really pisses me off. Now I'm in this mess and I have to get out of it. I'd like to get out of it without having to inflict damage on her. I don't know if that's possible.

Robert asks,_**didn't she leave a guide wire in some poor shlep's chest?**_

I tell him_, __**That was over 6 years ago. She was a medical student**__. _I've reviewed the incident and there's no mention that a lawsuit was even filed. In fact, she brought it up to her superior right away and Dr. Benton and Dr. Swift acted quickly. The patient recovered fully and without any complications. The situation was handled effectively and appropriately.

Gordon counters me saying,_**But now there's a pattern, and if we don't show we took corrective measures, we could have real exposure if she kills someone else.**_

This is ridiculous. The guide wire was not that big of a deal, considering she was there to learn. Medical students do make those kind of mistakes. We expect them to. That's why they are heavily supervised. I tell him, _**that's a little dramatic don't you think?**_

Robert's response:_**Guy's dead. You can't get much more dramatic.**_

Jing Mei is a competent doctor. Normally, she's very thorough in her evaluations and treatment. It was an extremely busy and stressful night. She was still new to management and hadn't figured out how to balance everything yet. But she's smart and I know that given a little more experience, she would have handled it well. She would have kept her cool and checked the X-Ray. So I tell Robert and Gordon, _**There's no reason to think she's gonna kill anyone else.**_

Gordon interjects,_**Can you guarantee that?**_

_**Oh, come on**__. _I don't believe he just asked that.

Then Romano asks_, __**and what happens the next time you take a 20 minute break off campus Kerry?**_

Shit. They're not going to work with me here. I take a deep breath and moisten my lips with my tongue as I try to think this through. How do I save Jing Mei without telling the truth, without telling them I didn't get the pages because I lost the beeper at Doc Magoo's that night? I can't tell them that. That would be suicide. That's as grievous as the mistake Jing Mei made. I need to figure out where they think each of us stand with the facts as they know them. I ask them, _**How much does the technicality in her status really factor in?**_

Robert wants clarification. He asks,_**You mean can you end the blood trail with Chen?**_

I respond_, __**I want to know what kind of support to expect.**_

_**for you or the department?**_

_**For me.**_

I see Robert and Gordon look at each other in nonverbal consultation. Robert speaks up_, __**well, I won't tell you what to do, it's your ER, but I expect the family's gonna want accountability beyond Dr. Malucci.**_

I don't like this answer at all. I ask "Does accountability have to mean termination?"

Gordon says, "It's the cleanest way to handle it."

I don't like this answer a bit either. I don't want to lose Jing Mei, she a competent and capable doctor. She's an asset to my team. I see in her the potential to be so much more. It'll just take some grooming; grooming that I can give her. I exhale loudly. There must be a way to keep her on staff. Maybe I can craft something that says we've addressed the issue, took corrective measures, but those measures don't include termination.

I tell them, "Dr. Chen is an asset to County and the community we serve. Terminating her deprives our patients of quality care."

Robert, ever the smart ass, responds "killing patients is not quality care."

"She's not the first doctor to make this kind of mistake. She won't be the last either. For God's sake Robert, just look at your malpractice premiums!"

Malucci was fired already. He was the treating resident, the primary caregiver, the one who determined the thrombolytics were needed. It sounded to me like he was practicing his typical cowboy medicine that night. Yee Haw, let's get the thrombolytics on board. I've got to teach her how to deal with assholes like Malucci.

Gordon gives a sign that we can reach some sort of a deal when he says "a suspension could be effective."

"Along with probation" Robert contributes.

I can deal with this. This is acceptable. She'll still be on board, on track. I ask "how long?"

Gordon answers "a month's suspension without pay and a year's probation should be sufficient".

"Done" I say.

"She'll also need to resign her chief residency" Robert adds.

"Do you really think that's necessary, given the suspension and probation?" I ask. I think that's demanding too much retribution. I know how much Jing Mei wanted it, how hard she worked for it, how fiercely she fought for it. Asking her to resign it is almost like asking her to cut off her right arm.

Robert takes a deep breath and responds, "Not only did she kill the guy Kerry, she lied about paging you. I think the action is warranted." It's a response that makes me squirm. I can't admit that I lost the pager and Jing Mei will have to resign her chief residency because of it. I hate this, I really hate this, but I can't admit it was my own fault I didn't get the pages.

"Okay" I tell them dejectedly. Now I'll have to go deliver the verdict. This really sucks.


	7. The Bad, Worse & Truly Ugly Jing Mei POV

**The Bad, The Worse and the Truly Ugly**

**Jing Mei's POV**

I'm in Drug Lockup sorting through and organizing the meds. I know it's a nurse's job, but I'm off shift now. It's quiet here and I can keep busy. I'm worried about how the rest of that Risk Management meeting went. I need something productive to occupy my mind. I can't go home. If I go home, I probably won't find out what happened until I'm back on shift in a couple of days. I need to stay, I need to find out.

My relative peace is disturbed when Kerry walks up. I know she has the results of the meeting and stomach starts to churn.

She asks me, **have you eaten yet?**

I keep sorting through the meds. I don't even make eye contact with her. She sounds calm, she sounds like she's not pissed or anything. I get the feeling that she came out of the situation just fine but the news is not going to be so good for me. I tell her rather curtly, _**No.**_

_**Let me buy you lunch**_, she says. No one ever worries about your stomach first when the news is good.

_**I'm not hungry**_, I reply. My stomach is churning so hard that I couldn't eat even if I wanted to.

She takes a deep breath and I know that the unpleasant verdict is coming. _**I want you to know I went on record against this. But this administration**_

I interrupt her, **Am I being fired Kerry?**

_**No, No, No, of course not. You're on a year's probation and subject to a month's suspension without pay. I argued your case to the best of my ability, but Risk Management feels that given your history, they needed to take corrective measures to mitigate any further incidents.**_ She delivers the news like a doctor telling someone their loved one is dead. She's great at faking compassion. But something about this statement really bugs me.

_**My history?**_

_**The guide wire.**_

**Auhh, God, you're gonna use that?** I was a third year med student when that happened and it happened seven years ago. The patient recovered without complications and there's been no other incident since then. I shake my head in disbelief.

She gives me a moment to let that sink in so I can fully appreciate it when she drops the next bomb, _**You'll also have to resign your chief residency**_.

_**What!**_ I exclaim. To say I'm angry, upset, mad as hell, and pissed off just doesn't cut it. I've seen other chief residents screw up before, I watched Mark Greene as he watched the pregnant woman die, totally him from start to finish, never lost his chief residency. I've seen both my parents pissed off with their chief residents because someone died at their hands, but I've never heard of anyone being forced to resign their chief residency before. As far as I'm concerned, this is totally uncalled for.

She sees me seething, and makes a counseling effort, _**I understand how upsetting this must be, I…**_

I demand to know, _**What about you? Are you going to resign anything?**_ Malucci had her paged. I had her paged twice. There's no way someone misdialed three times. She had to hear and ignore the page. That's medical negligence or she wasn't wearing her beeper at all and that is also medical negligence. She knew we were getting slammed that night, she knew we were short on nurses and long on patients, that I, like every other doctor that night, was being overworked. Hell, John wasn't even clocked in, his shift was over and he couldn't get out of there. That was her mismanagement of staff resources; mismanagement that compromised patient care. That's why she had to be at that meeting! She didn't want any of that to come up!

By all rights, she should bear some of the fault and some of the fallout. It should not come down to me and me alone. Even though I don't like it a bit, I can deal with the suspension and the probation, but having to resign my chief residency is something else entirely.

She responds rather nonchalantly, _**My involvement, or lack there of is not at issue.**_

My blood pressure feels stroke level high as I spout off at her, _**Yeah, yeah, you made sure of that.**_ I turn away from her. If I look at her, I'm going to spit nails in her eyeballs.

Her voice softens as she says, _**Look, this is only a temporary setback after which you'll be back on track,**_ but it doesn't do anything to calm me down. If anything I'm even more furious.

I turn to her and start spitting those nails. Harshly, I demand to know, _**Were you even wearing your pager that night?**_

She deflects them, saying _**This isn't about me. Someone obviously misdialed.**_

The master of CYA has spoken, I know I'm not going to win this argument. She has the upper hand, but I am going to let her know, that I know she is not faultless in this situation. I teller her, _**Yeah, just blame everyone but yourself Kerry.**_

She tells me, _**Look, I'm sorry that this had to happen**_, but I don't want to hear it. I'm through with her.

I cut her off, spitting her own truth in her face, _**You are not sorry, just relieved. **_I start heading for the exit. This conversation is over.

_**Jing Mei, I**_

I don't want to hear anything more. I've had it. I don't even want to work for the bitch now. I cut her off one final time, look her straight in the eye with the fiercest glare, and tell her _**Go to hell Kerry, I quit**_. I storm passed her and head for my locker.

Haleh stops me in the hall and tries to hand me a chart. She asks me to take the patient in curtain 2. I push the chart back at her and tell her "give it to the bitch in drug lockup." She gives me a very puzzled look, but I'm in no mood to explain, I just walk around her.

They say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Hell doesn't know the half of it. I will find a way to fight this and hell will be paid.


	8. The Bad, Worse & Truly Ugly Kerry POV

**The Bad, The Worse and the Truly Ugly**

**Kerry Weaver's POV**

I dread this. I saved my own ass, but now I've got to tell Jing Mei she's lost something very dear to her. I know her parents are both doctors and I'm sure very proud of their daughter, the chief resident. Now I've got to go take that away. It's not going to go over well. I'm finding this much more difficult then telling someone their loved one has died.

I find her in drug lockup. I want to be as gentle as possible, so I ask her _**have you eaten yet?**_

_**No.**_

As innocuous as I can, I suggest to Jing Mei, _**Let me buy you lunch**_.

She tells me she's not hungry. I can tell by her tone, she's angry. God, this is going to be hard. I take a deep breath. How do I soften the blow now? I tell her _**I want you to know I went on record against this. But this administration**_

**Am I being fired Kerry?**

_**No,No, No, of course not. **_I take a moment to gather myself to deliver the bad news. God, I hate this. _**You're on a year's probation and subject to a month's suspension without pay. I argued your case to the best of my ability, but Risk Management feels that given your history, they needed to take corrective measures to mitigate any further incidents.**_

**My history?**

God, this is so petty, it's going to really piss her off. I hate to say it. _**The guide wire.**_

_**God, you're gonna use that?**_

I knew it. She is fuming. I hesitate; I don't want to tell her. This is so damn hard and so damn unfair. But I must tell her. It's my job. I'm the one who screwed her over, so I bite the bullet and let her know, _**You'll also have to resign your chief residency.**_

_**What!**_

I can imagine how this must be for her. I was once as young and as driven as she is. I was once chief resident as she is. If something like this had happened to me back then, I'd be feeling the same things she is right now. I try to let her know. **I understand how upsetting this must be, I…**

_**What about you? Are you going to resign anything?**_

Deny and deflect. _**My involvement, or lack there of is not at issue.**_

_**Yeah, yeah, you made sure of that**_

My lips tighten as I try to figure out how to provide some comfort and counsel; I try to be encouraging. I say _**Look, this is only a temporary setback after which you'll be back on track.**_

_**Were you even wearing your pager that night?**_

Deny and deflect. _**This isn't about me. Someone obviously misdialed.**_

_**Yeah, just blame everyone but yourself Kerry.**_

_**Look, I'm sorry that this had to happen**_, I tell her, because I really do feel for her, for the situation I've put her in. But she doesn't want to hear it, she cuts me off.

_**You are not sorry. Just relieved.**_

This is not relief. I hate this; this sucks. I thought I'd feel relief knowing I escaped any damage to my own record, but I don't. I don't really understand that. I've done this same sort of thing to other people and never felt guilty about it. Something about her makes it different this time. I don't know if it's because I see in her a young me or if Robert's right and I do have a bit of a thing for her. Whatever the reason, her perception of me and the anger she's directing at me, make me very uncomfortable. I try again to offer her come comfort, _**Jing Mei, I**_

The anger, the hurt, the frustration, all of it register in her eyes which pierce my soul as she tells me _**Go to hell Kerry, I quit.**_

I don't have far to go. I already feel like hell. The look will haunt me. I caused that look because I couldn't and still can't openly admit my own mistake. It cost her dearly. I guess quitting was the only way for her to salvage her pride. I'd like to take some comfort in knowing that I preserved her job so she could have the dignity of resigning, but there is no comfort there. I failed her so I could save myself. There's no dignity in that. She stomped out of here with her head held high, I limp softly and wish I had the courage to take the high road.

I run into Haleh in the hall. She hands me a chart and asks me to take the patient in Curtain 2. I refuse it. Haleh says "Dr. Chen said you'd take it".

"Give it to Carter" I tell her sharply. I don't want to deal with a patient right now.

Haleh replies "He's in with a trauma right now."

"Then give it to Mark!" I reply with greater irritation.

Haleh snarks back "also in the trauma."

"Alright already" I snap. "Just give me the damn thing!"

As I head for Curtain 2, I hear Haleh mutter something under her breath. I can't quite make out what she's saying, but it's definitely about me and I don't like the tone. I turn around abruptly and sternly inform her "any smart ass comments from anyone, and their ass is gone too. Have I made myself perfectly clear?"

Respectfully, she says "Yes ma'am, perfectly clear." She turns and walks away. I watch her go.

It really sucks to be a bitch, but this bitch is in charge and I'm going to stay that way.


	9. A Conversation with Mark Greene

**A Conversation with Mark Green**

**Kerry Weaver's POV**

I escape to the lounge. I need a bit of calm, just a quick little respite from the day. No crying, no wining, no ringing phones, no beeping monitors, no charts, no patients, no problems. All I ask is 60 seconds of silence. Do I get it? No. Mark Greene comes charging in the door just moments after I arrive.

He's mad. He paces the floor, demanding answers. "What the hell happened between you and Dr. Chen?"

I look at him, I try to formulate an answer. Before I can put one together, he charges on "The gossip mill is setting a new speed record out there."

I start to try and tell him "Jing Mei was pretty upset about the Risk Management assessment on the Marfan's death. They felt we needed to take certain steps to mitigate any potential incident in the future."

"So you fired her?" he asked incredulously.

I tell him,_**No, she wasn't terminated, she resigned.**_

His irritation is apparent. Angrily, he asks _**You needed to demote her?**_

I calmly and professionally tell him that _**Risk Management seemed to think there might be some liability issues involved. **_After all, it was their recommendation that she be suspended, put on probation and asked to resign her chief residency. Those were not my ideas. I was just the messenger.

_**Oh right. I bet.**_ He responds sarcastically still wildly pacing the floor.

I don't like or appreciate the insinuation that this was in any way my fault. I didn't sentence her. I question him, _**What do you mean?**_

He walks closer, staring me down as if he had authority over me and asserts, _**This is a teaching hospital!**_

**Exactly, and she was the one that was supposed to be doing the teaching!** She had a responsibility to make sure Malucci's diagnosis was correct and that his course of treatment was consistent with the observable symptoms. She did not do that! As Chief Resident, she needs to display leadership, competency, thoroughness and a high level of expertise. Qualities she typically displays, but which seemed to be in short supply the night of the Marfan's death. That can't happen when you're Chief Resident, not on my watch!

But I realize he is right to a degree, Chief Residents also need to know how to handle extremes in pressure, stress and workloads, something I should have been teaching her, behavior I should have been modeling for her. But I can't let that get to me now. I just need to remember that for the next chief resident. I can't screw up on the next one or my ass will be held to the fire.

His anger grows as he knows he's right, but I can't cave. The conversation gets tougher to handle when he is just inches from my face and emphatically asks, _**Gees Kerry, who you cutting loose next?**_

I lose control and pour my heart out, _**Look, I'm going to miss her too. This saddens me too. It's easy for you to be upset and angry about it when you don't have to manage the situation, but guess what? I'm angry and upset, okay. I mean I think it sucks, only I don't have anyone to complain to.**_ I get tired of being the bad ass bitch all the time. Sometimes I need a break from it. Sometimes I wish there was somewhere I could turn, but there never is.

He shows no compassion for my situation, no sympathy for the torment I've been through in all of this. He doesn't know and he doesn't care. Still in my face, he inquires, _**You asking me to feel sorry for you now?**_

We have a long history marked by much animosity and mistrust. I know he feels for her because I've screwed him over so many times. He's probably more aware than anyone that I don't care who I have step on or stomp over to stay on top. He probably thinks this is just like every other time, but it's not. This time it's gotten to me. This time I genuinely care about the person I had to take down. This time, I feel regret. These are not emotions I am used to feeling for someone that works for me and I really don't know how to deal them. Unfortunately, I don't have anyone who can help me figure it out.

Resigned to the fact that I'll never get his understanding, I say _**No**_, and I walk across the lounge toward the door, _**I just wanted you to know what was going on. Hopefully, this will be the last personnel change for a while.**_

I'm almost through the door that leads out to the exam hall when he tells me, _**I wanna hire Susan.**_

I catch him as he exits through the other door that goes out to the admit desk, _**Lewis?**_ I ask.

He turns back around and tells me, **Yeah, if you have a problem with that, bring it up at the next staff meeting. We need doctors Kerry.**

I turn to watch him leave the lounge. Susan Lewis. While she is five years post residency by now, I still wouldn't consider her a good fit. She was never as decisive as she needed to be, didn't hold her own against assholes like Kayson. I hated how chummy she was with Hathaway, the nurses, and really everyone but me. Jing Mei and I have always had our tense moments, but at the end of the day, I know she saw something in me she admired. Whatever our differences were, when she needed my help, she was never afraid to ask. I'm going to miss her. Susan is no substitute, no consolation.

This day has been really long and it has really sucked. I draw a deep breath, as I contemplate what to do next. I want to get the hell out of here. I can't though. I've got to get control over the raging rumor mill and fill in the Chief Resident slot. I wonder if Carter would be interested. He and Jing Mei are so close, he may refuse it. What's up with that? Mark and Susan, Carter and Jing Mei; I don't understand those friendships, why they're so tight, so loyal. I shake it off. No matter. I must go find Carter and make him the offer.

After that, I'm going to get the hell out of here, go to a bar, gonna get drunk and make this day go away.


	10. On the Rooftop with John Carter Jing Mei

**On the Rooftop**

**Jing Mei's POV**

My frustration and anger over the conversation with Weaver drive me to hideaway in my quiet, little corner on the rooftop at County. It's on the other side of the building from the helipad and sheltered from the wind by a wall. A lot of people find their way up to the roof, but most stay on the main part. They don't venture down the narrow walkway that leads here. No one really knows about this space but me, well me and John. I've brought him up here a few times on break to escape the craziness that the ER can be at times.

I feel the cool night air against my face as I look out over the city below. From up here, the sounds of hustling traffic and the sirens of rushing ambulances are barely audible. The peace and serenity of the rooftop help to quell my emotions, allowing me to think more clearly. I keep going over the course of events from the night of the Marfan's death, to today's meeting, to the conversation with Weaver in the drug lockup. I'm unable to shake these thoughts from my mind.

From the darkness behind me I hear a familiar, comforting voice "Thought I'd find you up here." I turn around and see John. I greet him with a similar tone to his own before turning back to look over the city.

"How long have you been up here?" he asks as he walks toward me. Stopping beside me, he looks out over the ledge to see what's holding my interest.

Still surveying the city below, I tell him, "I don't know, half hour, maybe longer, watched the sun set."

He leans an elbow on the ledge as he turns to face me. I can feel his gaze as he asks "So you really quit?"

I nod my head. "I keep replaying everything in my head. You know what the ER was like that night."

He sucks in his breath and says "Yeah, after a long shift, you sucked me back into the ER Vortex. I ended up doing close to a double."

"You know I appreciate your help that night." I humbly tell him. As I turn to look at him, he shifts his stance to take in the view of the city.

He nods and speaks with such sincerity. "Wish I would've been in on the Marfan's trauma earlier."

"Water under the bridge" I tell him. There nothing any of us can do to change the past.

He concludes, "Well, you're officially a doctor now. I'm surprised it took you this long to catch up." With a hint of tease in his voice, he adds "you're so competitive."

I don't laugh, but the small joke lightens my mood a bit. I cross my arms and gaze upward to the faint stars above the Chicago sky line. _**I always knew she was capable of stuff like this. Guess I fooled myself into thinking she wouldn't do it to me. She offer you the job yet?**_

He nods as he turns to face me. _**Not sure that I want it**_.

_**Yes you do. You've always wanted it.**_ We both wanted it, as far back as med school we'd both been laying the foundation that would lead to consideration for the position.

He leans his elbow back down on the ledge as he says, _**I'll pass if it means you'll stay**_. He is such a sweet guy. He cares so much. It touches me how much he's willing to give up for me, but I can't let him pass on the opportunity.

I look directly into his eyes so he knows what I'm saying is the honest truth. I tell him, _**You should take it. I don't want to be here anymore. Really, if it's not you, it'd be somebody else, and I'd rather it be you.**_

_**You gonna try and stay in Chicago?**_

_**I don't know**_. I turn around to look over the city again as if somewhere, out there in the distance, is the answer. This is my home, I don't know where else I'd go.

_**I think there's still a spot open at Northwestern.**_ He's trying to be helpful, I know. He gives me time to let that sink in, but my mind races to other places.

In the silence of the night, I think about all I've given up for the sake of this hospital and my career which now lay in ruins. I spent an obnoxious number of hours studying in med school to be at the top of my class. Residency required even more time devoted to study and preparation in addition to the actual work hours. Outside of that, I put in countless hours doing studies and writing papers in order to get published. I spent time teaching and presenting lectures. Even though I used my maternity leave to get some of that extracurricular work done, I still had to make up days for my residency, causing me to lose holidays and other days off for literally months.

I think about the fact that all of this took every bit of my 20s away from me. Now here I am. I'm 31 years old and have no social life, no family of my own and now no job, no career, nothing. Was it worth it? At this moment, it appears not.

I don't want him to make the same mistake I did, so I say, _**Promise me John that whatever sacrifice you make for this place, you just make sure it's worth it.**_

I break down into tears. I'm unable to reconcile the effort with the result. The one thing in all this that I am grateful for, is my friendship with John. He listens, he helps when he can, but he never judges me. I'm comfortable letting him see me like this because I know it will stay between the two of us.

He sees my tears and takes my hand, pulling me close to himself. He puts his other arm around my shoulders. I bury my face in his chest and continue to cry. He holds me tighter and kisses the top of my head. Safe and protected in his arms, I let all the emotion that I kept bottled up inside all day, escape with my tears. I'll definitely have to replace that tie.

He holds me quietly, allowing me to cry it out. As the tear flow slows, he asks "have you eaten today". I look up at him and shake my head no. "How about if I take you to Rudy's for dinner?"

"My stomach's been in a state of turmoil all day, I don't think I could keep anything down" I tell him.

Releasing me from his embrace, he clasps my hands in his and says "I don't think it's a good idea for you to go home and be alone tonight."

I look him in the eye and tell him "I'll be alright." I don't want to be a bother to him, cut into his evening. He's already been so wonderful to me.

"How about that English Tea Room you've been wanting to go to?"

"The one you said you wouldn't be caught dead in?"

"I'll make an exception for tonight. You shouldn't be alone after a day like today." He gives me that look that I have never been able to refuse. I guess it's fair though. I do it to him too.

"How about take out and a movie rental" I ask.

He drops my hands and puts his arm around my shoulder steering me to the walkway that leads to the main part of the roof. "I pick the movie, you choose the takeout" he responds.

"Deal. Dim Sum tonight."

"Now my stomach's gonna revolt!" he teases. This time, I manage a little giggle. Out on the main part of the roof, the wind kicks up and it's downright chilly. We hurry toward the door. By the time we get there, I've made up my mind. I will not beg Weaver for my job, but I will find a way to get it back, the attending part anyway. John will make a great Chief Resident.


	11. My Own Reflection in the Mirror  Kerry

**My Own Reflection in the Mirror**

Kerry Weaver's POV

What a day. Got through it though. I head to lounge and open my locker. I look at the contents in there. They define me. Other people have framed pictures of a husband or wife, drawings their kids did, mementos of their family life, personal things like a good novel, CD or the latest issue of Cosmo. Not me, the contents in my locker define my lack of a personal life. On my shelf, I keep medical journals with ER applicable articles tabbed off, a highlighter and sticky notes, some soap and deodorant and on the hook below, a change of clothes should I need to pull a double shift.

The ER is not just my professional life, but my personal one as well. The people here don't know it, but I consider them my family. Today was extremely difficult for me as I lost someone for whom I hold a special affection. Of everyone on staff, I think Jing Mei understood me the most and showed me the most respect. She can be every bit as bitchy and opinionated as me, but when the need arose, she always looked to me for guidance, help and support. Though I could never tell her, that touches me deeply.

I think about what I did today and it makes me sick. I wish I were a better person. Robert did say I didn't have to listen to their recommendations. I could have kept Jing Mei if I hadn't asked her to resign the chief residency. But if I didn't, and the family sued the hospital, it may come out that I screwed up, I wasn't wearing my pager. If I had been wearing it, I would have gotten the page, Jing Mei wouldn't have been involved. His death would then rest on me and I just can't have that. I went into self preservation mode and took care of myself at Jing Mei's expense. Now I've lost her.

I hear the door open and turn to see Malucci walk in. He doesn't say anything, just gives me an angry stare. I watch as he snatches his name tag off his locker. I know his next stop will be to put it up on Haleh's wall. She makes everyone put their name tag up there when the leave, "building the family tree" she says. I hate that he'll be putting his name tag up there. He's not family as far as I'm concerned. It strikes me that with one incident, I win by getting rid of Malucci, someone I loathe. But it comes at a dear price, the loss of Jing Mei, someone I'm quite fond of. He leaves as silently as he came, gone from my life, good riddance.

I remove my stethoscope and put it on top of the medical journals on my locker shelf. I take off my lab coat and put my suit coat on. I close the locker door and start making my way to a bar I heard about. I've never gone to one before, well, not by myself, not on the prowl. I don't want to be alone tonight so I leave my comfort zone in order to find the comfort I need.

I arrive and the music is loud. The place is crowded with women. There are cozy tables with loving couples, a dance floor overflowing with people having a good time. I pass it all on my way to the bar. I find a stool with an open seat next to it. I sit down.

The bar tender asks me _**how's it going**_.

I tell her, _**Fine. A vodka please.**_

She asks, _**On the rocks?**_

No ice. I want it straight. I want it strong. I want to lose control. I tell her I want it _**Neat. **_I look around as the bartender fixes my drink. Everyone else at the bar seems to be paired up and having a great time. A beautiful woman walks up next to me, maybe she's interested? No, she's just ordering a couple of drinks. She's already got someone. She leaves and I take a swig of my own drink, swallowing hard.

I look straight ahead and see my own reflection in the mirror. I see the sadness. I see the loneliness. I see the tension and uneasiness on my face. This is the price of being me. Is it worth it? At this moment, I don't think so. I down the rest of my drink and order another. I'll order as many as necessary to forget this day or find some comfort in the arms of someone else, whichever comes first.


End file.
